“What is your goal today?”

I know, it’s been a while since you have heard from me….. and this blog will be a little different. Because my life has changed.

Let’s just say the past 6 weeks were some of the most miserable I have ever had. My dad was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma on March 2nd. On March 25th, he passed away. A life too short. A life taken too early.

I am not going to sit here and write about how much he meant to me (ALOT) or how close we were (EXTREMELY) or how I have days where I can’t imagine putting one foot in front of the other (MORE OFTEN THEN NOT). But I do want to write about it. You see, my dad inspired me. And, that’s where I get it from. My slogan is BE INSPIRED. I can inspire you. Just not right now.

He was the guy I put in that answer of “who is your biggest influence in your life”?
Yes. That was him. My idol. My all knowing. Something about having him a big part of me for (nearly) 40 years of my life meant so much. This is an anguish, a heartbreak, that surpasses anything I have ever seen or felt in life……

My dad would often ask us what our goal was for the day. The answer was irrelevant, he just wanted us to have a goal. Something to look forward to, something to conquer, something to accomplish. Now it’s important to note here that this goal doesn’t have to be climbing a mountain, or running 10+ miles, or – heck – even cooking a homemade meal. It just has to BE. Today my goal is to ice my ankle for 20 minutes while reading a magazine. It’s something I can control.

I am not your ordinary blogger. You see…. I don’t like to share much. I like to discuss what I know, what can help people, advice, experience, etc. BUT —this. THIS. This is too close to home. Not good with… THIS. It took me by storm and no doubt it will take some time to pick myself up again…..

It makes it extremely difficult because I am generally highly motivated. The positive one. The social one. The happy one.

It’s like I don’t know what to do… I find myself walking circles around my house not knowing what to do next. I find myself getting on my bike but being ok with pulling over and just sitting watching the ocean. “There is a big world out there”, he always said. I wanted to see it. I find myself in the swimming pool not wanting to do another single lap so I just get out and go home. Some days I want to run and feel pain like I have never felt before. Can I possibly push myself so hard it will hurt more than my heart does? I try. Then, I sadly lose that urge. Sometimes we don’t feel – for one reason or another – like doing something we originally planned for.

And this, my friends, is what’s called life. And right now I can’t say I am a big fan.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love change. I am known to PUSH THE LIMITS. To not get off the bike. To keep swimming even though I may not feel up for it. To never hit the snooze button. To go mentally where I have never been. That’s me. Just not right now.

People will ask me what is in store this year. “Any races yet?” And, my response is so much different than in years past. It’s just different. “Um… Yes. I will do something…….” I don’t get that excitement that I used to talking about races. I love racing. I love triathlons. I love hearing about it, talking about it, yet, I don’t have it in me to talk about it on a personal level. I signed up for Kona 70.3 in June and yesterday I said I would go. Today, you couldn’t pay me to run 1 mile.

You see, my dad was at all of my big races.
He was my cheerleader, (in a boy-kind-of-father-kind of way). I can picture his grins. He forwarded race reports to his best friends. He was proud of me. Right now that doesn’t push me forward as it used to. Right now it doesn’t feel like I have any motivation or fight. But I know in time I will. It will come back. After all, I am MY DAD. He is ME.

Life as I know it will never be the same. BUT I WILL BE inspired from his legacy soon. I already am, there is just too much pain on the outer level to dig in.

Be assured, I will be there again someday. Just not today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not. Maybe next month. Maybe not. And, again, I am ok with that. “OK”. Not excited about it, but this is where we are at. I don’t wish this, want this, or expect this, upon anyone. It’s a tough battle.

My dad had a lot of wisdom. And brace yourself. You are going to hear a lot about it. I will no doubt go through life thinking of my father and dedicating every race to him. Now, I need to go ice.


3 thoughts on ““What is your goal today?”

Add yours

  1. Jen–I just found your blog–which is fantastic and just read this heartbreaking post. I am so so sorry. I don’t know if your writing this helped you, but it was beautiful and touching. I can’t imagine what you are going through and I only hope the passage of time lessens your pain. Hopefully, preparing for Hawaii will be a welcome distraction.
    I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
    Maya Shackley

    1. Jen, the pain in palpable but so is your dedication, drive and love for your dad. You will be supported through this by all that love you and that list is very long. You will race another day and you will feel your dad’s pride in your heart. One step, one stroke, one ride at a time.

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